Funny how you can look back on something you wrote and not recognize the author. Over the Christmas break, I reread many of my past posts and was surprised that they came from me. I guess I’ve had some growth since I launched this little blog in 2022! But after a rather stressful week, the explanation for my blog’s purpose and name still rings true:

The short story: I wanted a blog to share my thoughts on the law and legal profession, I realistically can only write one post a week, and Friday allows me a bit of time to put it all together. ‘Friday I’m in Love’ by The Cure came on the radio as I was pondering the above and there you have it. And the lyrics perfectly illustrate a normal week for us in this profession or perhaps the resiliency needed to keep at it:

I don’t care if Monday’s black

Tuesday, Wednesday, heart attack

Thursday never looking back

It’s Friday, I’m in law!

See the full post, I Don’t Care if Monday’s Black.

A post I only partially relate to now and want to revisit through a healthier lens is Stresslax, Don’t Do It from nearly three years ago. As I noted in my introductory paragraph:

I don’t relax well. Or at least I thought I was a bad relaxer because the normal destressers seem to stress me out. Meditation: Man, I must be doing this wrong because just sitting here is shooting my anxiety through the roof. Yoga: Why am I holding this pose when I could be doing something ‘useful’?

Apparently, this is a common enough phenomenon that a term has been coined:

Stresslaxing (v) Being stressed that relaxing makes you more stressed because you’re not working on what’s making you stressed.

Our lawyer personalities make us prime candidates for stresslaxing. Whether this trait preexisted our entry into the profession (and drew us in) or the profession itself somehow created the stresslaxing monster, I suspect it is prevalent with lawyers. As I noted in my previous post:

According to the article, ‘Stresslaxation’ Is Real – Science Explains It And The Cure, 30 – 50 percent of people who try to train themselves in relaxation techniques suffer more symptoms of stress. I was unable to find the specific percentage for those in the legal profession, but I suspect it would be on the higher end of this scale. See the recent study “Stressed, Lonely and Overcommitted: Predictors of Lawyer Suicide Risk” as yet another example of elevated stress and mental health risks in the profession.

Having a chronic illness just exacerbated my stesslaxing tendencies. While I was told to rest and relax, I attempted to do so by just producing in areas other than work. My breaks involved long distance running, deep cleaning my house and taking on contract work outside of my 9-5. I felt I was relaxing by doing rather than ‘lazing about’ as I called it in my original post. And believe it or not, my health continued to decline. Something had to give.

Long before I heard the term ‘toxic productivity’, I began to recognize it in myself. I needed to overproduce in all aspects of my life in order to feel worthy. Toxic productivity as defined in the Psychology Today article, The Hidden Cost of Always Being Productive, is a

compulsive need to continue producing, achieving, and striving, even to the point of physical or emotional exhaustion. Unlike healthy ambition, toxic productivity is driven by anxiety, self-shame, and an over-attachment of self-worth to what they do and achieve—a pattern in which individuals determine their value based primarily on their performance and productivity (Crocker & Wolfe, 2001). Over time, the pursuit of excellence morphs into avoiding dealing with problems in other spheres of life, leading to a buildup of chronic stress and, eventually, emotional and physical burnout.

The article also provides a good summary of why people fall into toxic productivity, signs you’re caught in toxic productivity and tips to move out of toxic productivity. If you feel one or more of the following some or most of the time, I suggest you check it out:

• Persistent feelings of guilt or anxiety during rest for no reason
• Diminished satisfaction or feelings of emptiness after completing tasks
• Self-worth measured primarily by how much you accomplish in a given day
• Irritability or even panic during unscheduled time, such as weekends and vacations
• Inability to articulate the deeper “why” behind your busy schedule when asked

The above was me in a nutshell. Participating this fall in the Law Society of Saskatchewan webinar, Toxic Productivity In Law, gave a name to what I suspected I was already experiencing.

Back to my introductory paragraph from the Stresslax post. I’ve rewritten it for 2026 me:

I don’t relax well. Actually, I’m a work in progress. I give myself permission to be still and engage in restorative activities like simple rest.

Or at least I thought I was a bad relaxer because the normal destressers seem to stress me out. There is a reason why ‘normal destressers’ exist. It’s because they work. Your body needs to fully rest.

Meditation: Man, I must be doing this wrong because just sitting here is shooting my anxiety through the roof. Quieting your thoughts and learning to detach from what causes you anxiety is healthy. It may be a difficult new skill to learn, but training yourself to be alone with your thoughts and not just distract yourself with constant movement or momentum is invaluable for your health.

Yoga: Why am I holding this pose when I could be doing something ‘useful’? Practicing yoga has become one of the most ‘useful’ parts of my daily routine. I now measure physical fitness not in terms of kilometers covered or maximum weight lifted. My true physical fitness is measured in how my mental and emotional well-being is improved, how I sleep at night, how I’m able to better cope with stress, and how my relationships have improved. Yoga has made my more physically fit in all respects.

Give yourself permission to completely relax. Relaxing by doing may seem to work for you in the short-term, but it could also be a sign of toxic productivity. Reflect on why you must busy yourself and whether it is due to guilt, shame or any of the points outlined above.