Perfectionism often goes hand in hand with the excessive need for control. It’s true in my case and I suspect is a common characteristic for many lawyers. This correlation is explained in the aptly named Psychology Today article, Perfectionism and the Excessive Need for Control. The need for control is “one of the most debilitating and isolating aspects of perfectionism”. Both perfectionism and control are often masked as competence. At work: I’m the only lawyer in the office so I need to be involved in every project because my colleagues aren’t as competent as me. At home: my partner can’t perform that task as competently as me, so I need to help him for his own good.

This self-defeating mindset and behaviour are not productive or healthy. It took my chronic illness to recognize this tendency and face it head on. As I noted in my last post, With a Little Help From My Friends: Perfectionism, Chronic Illness and the Struggle to Delegate:

Chronic illness means living in limbo.  It is constant trial and error – some treatments may work, some may not and it’s difficult to figure out why. Some treatments may work for a while and then stop working. The perfectionist, especially a lawyer perfectionist, is accustomed to getting a problem and logically figuring out the solution. Chronic illness doesn’t work that way, and it may lead to feelings of self-blame. Why can’t I just figure this out!?!

Chronic illness is unpredictable. For the first time as an adult, I was unable to control all aspects of my life and I spiraled. I realized I was accustomed to the comfort of getting a problem, methodically researching that problem, logically analyzing the results and providing a reasoned solution. As explained above in my previous post, chronic illness does not work that way.  

Researching how to deal with my chronic illness has given me back some of that control but not all the control I felt I needed.  I’ve had to take steps to address my excessive need to be in control or face misery. One tool that has had a profound impact on me both professionally and personally is the Circles of Control. This tool is based on the ancient Stoic philosophers’ belief that we can live more peaceful and fulfilling lives if we focus our attention and energy on what we can control.

The article, Understanding the Circles of Control, Influence & Concern, provides a good overview. Briefly summarized, imagine three concentric circles of different sizes embedded within each other:

• Spend most energy here: The innermost and smallest circle is the Circle of Control. We have direct control over this circle and can effect meaningful change. Included are our thoughts, beliefs, emotions, interpretations, and judgments of external events.
• Spend least energy here: The outermost and largest circle is the Circle of Concern. This includes external factors, challenges and circumstances that we may care about but are clearly beyond our control. Included are the economy, climate, weather and many reactions, behaviours and feelings of others.
• Spend some energy here: The middle circle is the Circle of Influence. We may have some control here and be able to effect change. However, we can likely not control the outcomes here but can control our efforts.

The article provides more detail, including application to real-life examples and exercises to help.

If dealing with chronic illness and feeling like you no longer have any control over what is happening with your body, the article Navigating Chronic Illness with the Circles of Control provides guidance:

• Circle of Control: How you manage your energy through the day, how you approach self-care, and how you communicate your needs to others.

 Example: You may not be able to control when a flare-up occurs, but you can control how you prepare for one. Keeping a “flare-up kit” with essentials or planning low-energy activities in advance can help you feel more prepared.

• Circle of Concern: The progression of your illness, other people’s reactions, or global events.

Example: You cannot control the progression of your illness, but you can focus on living as fully as possible within your current circumstances. This might involve finding joy in small, daily rituals, seeking out support groups, or practicing mindfulness to stay present.

• Circle of Influence: Your relationships with others, your environment, or certain aspects of your medical care.

 Example: You might not control the timing of your doctor’s appointments, but you can influence your healthcare experience by preparing questions in advance, keeping a detailed health journal, or seeking a second opinion if needed.

Excessive control is a hard one to give up and I have to remind myself daily of the following:

“Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not.” – Epictetus

Try to embrace this philosophy, especially if you’re dealing with the unpredictability of chronic illness.  A healthy mindset does the body wonders.